So it surprised me a little four Christmases ago when I noticed I was becoming a Scrooge and a little bit Grinchy. The reasons why are less important than the fact that it was happening. I actually said bah hum bug several times that year, and I meant it. Christmas was beginning to become the loneliest time of the year. I am the third of five kids, and Christmas has always been a big deal in our family. We have wonderful traditions. But our family is changing and growing, and sometimes when you're single, that's lonely.
Then in 2010, my dad had a severely debilitating stroke on October 26. He spent the next two months in rehab and in the hospital, and on December 10 we learned that he had pancreatic cancer. He died on December 27, exactly two months after his stroke, and two days after Christmas.
That Christmas Eve was the most lonely, and one of the most precious, of my life. My siblings spent Christmas Eve with their families, and so it was just my mom and I keeping a quiet, loving vigil over my dad.
We took turns, and I sat with my dad while my mom rested. I held his hand. I rested my head on his arm. I talked with him, asking him about his favorite memories of my childhood.
And I wept.
He had a sense of humor, and so as I sat at his side weeping, he told me not to cry over spilled milk. It was precious time to say good-bye to my father, and one of my best friends. I took breaks to go lie down in another room, curl up in the fetal position, and cry because of grief and self-pity.
I also built two gingerbread houses. The first one was a disaster, but the second one was as close to a gingerbread masterpiece as I will ever create.
My sister and her family, and my youngest brother and his family came Christmas Day. It was a simple Christmas, and we were grateful to be together. That night a family from church came caroling. They stood around my dad's bed and sang for us. That was a sacred moment. We will forever be grateful for their music and their love. Christmas night, each of us who were home had a few moments of individual time with Dad. Then he slipped away on Monday morning.
I won't go into detail about the next two years of chaos. However, many traumas of all shapes and sizes created havoc in my life, and so it was difficult to feel the Christmas spirit. But we went through the motions, and managed to have peaceful, cheerful holidays.
I've thought a lot about Scrooge and the Grinch lately. I've asked myself, "What is it that made them so bitter and hateful?" The conclusion I've come to is that they were lonely and grief stricken. Scrooge had a rough childhood. He had a few good years, fell in love, but that relationship didn't work out. Instead of moving on and developing a new relationship, and nurturing feelings of love and generosity he closed his heart off to his fellow beings until he could be described as thus:
"Oh! But he was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone. Scrooge! A squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, old sinner! Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret, and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster. The cold within him froze his cold features, nipped his pointed nose, shrivelled his cheek, stiffened his gait; made his eyes red, his thin lips blue, and spoke out shrewdly in his grating voice. A frosty rime was on his head, and on his eyebrows, and his wiry chin. He carried his own low temperature always about with him; he iced his office in the dog days, and didn't thaw it one degree at Christmas."
He was cold, bitter and foul. No one stopped him in the street to wish him a "Merry Christmas," and he didn't care.
And the Grinch, well, you've heard it before. "The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small."
Why was the Grinch's heart so small? According to one interpretation of the story, it was because he had been bullied. Instead of finding a productive way to deal with his pain and loneliness he had retreated to an isolated place, and he let his bitterness fester.
I don't want to turn into Scrooge, and I certainly don't want to turn into a Grinch. So, over the last three years I have wracked my brain trying to figure out how to "Keep Christmas" as a single person. I think part of the answer is tradition.
Traditions are what make holidays meaningful and special. Each year I've added something new. However, even though I've done everything right this year, I've gone through the motions, and I was blessed to spend this Christmas Eve with my mom, one of my brothers and two sets of missionaries, this Christmas still feels lonely and incomplete. I found myself missing my siblings, their spouses and my nieces and nephews this evening.
This song by Faith Hill accurately describes how I feel:
Where are You Christmas?
Yesterday was the day I'd set aside as my baking day. I baked cookies and bread all day while watching my collection of Christmas movies. I was baking and watching alone, and so I had a lot of time to think.
I've come to understand that I'm not the only lonely person in the world, and really, I have more company than some. For instance, I spent this Christmas Eve with my mom and one of my brothers. Many people in the world are not so fortunate. It's kind of immature to expect Christmas to always be what I'm used to, or what I want it to be. I'm learning to be flexible. This is important since if I want to be with family members in the future, I'm going to participate in the traditions that they are creating with their families, and not necessarily what I would have done if I had my own family. Another realization I had yesterday while baking is that traditions are good, because they help us bond with our loved ones, they help us remember our blessings, and if we go about creating them in the right spirit, they help us remember the reason why we celebrate. The birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
We sang this song with the children in church this year, and I find it particularly beautiful in its simplicity:
Stars Were Gleaming
Tonight we had tamales, we went to the Tumacacori Mission with all of its beautiful luminarias, and we read the Christmas story from Luke 2.
I just wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit. There are too many people missing. Then, we watched the movie "Ephraim's Rescue." It's not a Christmas movie. It's a movie about a group of men from Utah who were sent to rescue two Mormon handcart companies that were stranded and slowly freezing and starving to death in the mountains as they struggled to make their way to Utah.
Most of them were immigrants from England, Denmark, and Sweden. My parents come from Mormon pioneer stalk, and my mom had ancestors in both the Martin and Willie handcart companies, and in the rescue party. This movie is about my people, and their faith.
This is when I started to feel the Christmas spirit. It reminded me of the sacrifices people, including my ancestors, have been willing to make because of their faith in Jesus Christ. God allowed them to be tested and pushed to their very limits, sending tender mercies along the way. My trials are different than their trials. However, I still feel that God allows me to be tested, and he stretches me to my very limits.
In the midst of those tests and trials, I feel love and I have felt the peace that comes from knowing I have a savior who was born to Mary on the first Christmas morning. He came to earth with a sacred mission to fulfill, and that mission was to lead a perfect life, atone for my sins, imperfections, griefs and pains as He bled from every pore in the Garden of Gethsemane, and then He willingly gave His life for me. Because of His great atoning sacrifice, death has lost its sting, and sin has lost its power. We will all someday be free from grief, pain, sin, and death. That is the miracle of Christmas.
Joy to the World
If I can remember that, then maybe I won't turn into a lonely, bitter old woman who steals Christmas cheer from all those around me.
How To Keep Christmas As a Single Woman: A list of traditions and how they relate to the real meaning of Christmas
1. Box of Blessings - Two years ago I bought a small Christmas gift box. I keep a pen and slips of paper inside the box, and all year I keep a watchful eye out for blessings. It's basically a list of the things I am grateful for that year. I open it on Christmas morning. It's fun to read all the little notes I've written to myself, and remember the ways that God has blessed me throughout the year.
2. Baking - I LOVE to bake, and I share with friends, family, and neighbors. This year I shared with my new neighbors, and I feel good about the friendships I'm developing with them. Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, and that's how it relates to the true meaning of Christmas.
3. Christmas Movies - They either have a good moral, or they're funny. Jesus told us to "be of good cheer." Christmas movies help me to be of good cheer.
4. Scripture Advent Calendar - This is a great way to study scriptures during the month of December to help you focus on the real meaning of Christmas everyday. It's too easy to forget when we get caught up in the busy-ness of the season.
5. Read A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. I didn't read the whole thing, but I read parts of it. It helps me remember to strive to be Christlike. To love my neighbors, avoid becoming self-absorbed and selfish.
6. Build a gingerbread house - when God placed us here on the earth He gave us the power to be creative. This is a fun, and tasty, way to be creative.
7. Decorate a Christmas tree - the soft light from a Christmas tree is so peaceful and beautiful. It makes a lonely apartment feel less lonely, and Christ is the light of the world. Christmas lights are a reminder of the light of Christ.
8. Listen to holiday music - it's fun, uplifting, and is a beautiful reminder of whose birth we are celebrating.
9. Find other ways to serve in your community.
10. Go to church Christmas programs
Other helpful hints:
- Don't be self-absorbed and feel sorry for yourself.
- Be flexible.
- Savor time with family and friends.
- Let your heart be light.
- Be creative.
- If you need to, go on a cruise or find some other way to escape all the madness.
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