Lessons in Lemonade: Moments of Motherhood

I've been feeling sad about my lack of motherhood. I know a lot of you don't understand my feelings. However, they are real, and they are intense, and the desire for motherhood has always been a part of me from the time I was very young.

Some of you might even think I'm naive (see the first bullet point on my list). Also, some people might feel like this is something too personal to share, but those same people feel like it's okay to talk about pregnancy, infertility, postpartum depression, and the struggles that come with motherhood. This is my struggle with what Melanie Notkin, the founder of Savvy Auntie, calls circumstantial infertility.

I've been able to be around for the births of all my siblings' biological children

A few months ago I had a conversation with my sister and brother-in-law in which my sister alluded to the phoenix rising from the ashes. My response was, "Yes, the rest of my life is rising from the ashes of my fertile years." My fortieth birthday isn't too far away.

This evening after all was said and done, I came home to an empty apartment, and my hormones were messing with me, and I was a little bit weepy. Dang you, PMS. However, instead of spiraling down into a paralyzing pit of sadness, this thought crossed my mind, "But, you've had moments of motherhood." Over the last 16 years, and with my 14 nieces and nephews, I have had moments of motherhood. Thanks to my unique circumstances, and the unique circumstances of a couple of my loved ones, some of those moments have lasted for months at a time. Some of those moments have been just a few hours. I also have compassionate, generous, and loving siblings who recognize the gaping hole I feel I have in my life, and they have provided many opportunities for me to nurture my relationships with their kiddos.

I've even had moments to nurture my parents.

I have never felt more motivated, organized, productive, and inspired than when I shared parenting responsibilities for some of my precious nieces and nephews. I think the fact that I've had a taste of motherhood, and that my "nest" is so empty, magnifies my sense of loss.

Although my home is usually void of other humans besides myself and quiet, today I had several maternal moments. I spent hours with a niece talking, running errands, eating pizza, painting nails, and just hanging out here in my home. Then, I took my little sister from Big Brothers Big Sisters on an outing. We've been matched for one full year!

Nacho with his "cousins."

So charming!

Nacho loves his "cousins."

I made a list of many of my mothering moments. I know nothing compares to actually being a mother, and I may never know what motherhood feels like. All my maternal moments have been with children I didn't carry and give birth to, but love deeply, intensely, and eternally. Service makes love grow. They include:

cleaning up toddler vomit in the middle of the night
changing diapers
preparing bottles
caring for a toddler separated from parents
caring for elementary and middle school aged children separated from parents
potty training four children (three boys and one girl)
reading and telling bedtime stories
singing lullabies
keeping children safe at bathtime
picnicking
dealing with daycare
teaching children to appreciate vegetables
planning and conducting family home evenings
sharing my snacks
tantrums (at church during sacrament meeting, in stores, at home, while camping, etc.)
dealing with piles of laundry
helping with homework
feeding ducks
singing Raffi songs at the top of our lungs in the car, at bathtime, at bedtime, at random times
singing primary songs at the top of our lungs in the car, at bathtime, at bedtime, at random times
attending musicals
soothing crying babies
holding crying children
comforting deeply broken hearts
bandaging cuts and scrapes with themed band-aids
baking
teaching the basics of cooking
coloring, sculpting with playdough, and crafting
teaching crochet
exploring nature through hiking, backpacking, and camping

My beautiful hiking buddies.
piloting family roadtrips
giving ourselves at-home manicures, pedicures, and facials
playing video games
walking the dog
confiscating electronic devices
talking for hours with teenagers
dancing in the living room
being silly and giggling
playing board games and card games
playing chase, paper airplanes, and superman
playing with baby dolls and with a play kitchen
carving pumpkins, decorating trees, watching fireworks